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Funny Stuff ( You send it, I'll post it)
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New Stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in
another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the
day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew
which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said
she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?", the captain asked. "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here. One
is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Learning to Fly
Airplane A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted
to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in
use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the
helicopter solo, by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I
love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet
and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about
half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything
was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
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Occasionally, airline flight attendants make
an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure
your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most
uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for
floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this
flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew
and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any
person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave
the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying
Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another
airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were
beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped
with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said,
"We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off
the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can
come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks
will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to
gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome
message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll
are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During
the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on
the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less
than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight PHX, to YYZ. To operate your
seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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The following is an
exchange of correspondence between a customer and Iarnrod
Eireann of the Irish Railway Company:
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and
the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I
am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile
trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that
enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of
our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your
history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by
foot.
Sincerely,
Iarnrod Eireann.
~~~ ~~~~
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who
are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and
the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode
to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not
been able to do on your train in the last two years!!!
Truly,
Patrick Finnegan
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Boss: You got your hair cut
on company time.
Susie: It grew on company
time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all
cut
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A guy stopped at a local
gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and
bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and
watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man
would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The
other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While
one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling
in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft
drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said
the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down
the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said
to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this
digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the
government and we're just dong our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging
a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing
anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand,
mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping
his brow.
"Normally there's three of
us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the
tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because
Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."
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Child's
Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young
pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the
following:
"We always used to spend
the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in
a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other
retarded people.
"They live in a tin box and
have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on
big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they
are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but
they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.
They play games and do
exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a
swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with
their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a
dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all
day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go
cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake
cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there
cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every
night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in
the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food
back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa
worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should
work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my
retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will
let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
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Retirement
Party
The boss is finally old
enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he
ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone
to express their good feeling about him by writing on the
farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss"
him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without
you, the company will never be the same,"
"We will always remember
you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not
satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart,
something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been
working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I
am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, John
wrote, "The best news in 20 years."
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Golf Beginner
A retiree was given a set
of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game,
he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew
nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the
stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag
on the first green."
The novice teed up and
smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green,
where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?", the fellow
asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to
hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was
able to speak again.
The retiree replied, "Oh
great! NOW you tell me!"
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The Boat Race
Boeing and
Airbus decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the
big day they felt ready.
Airbus won by
a mile.
The Boeing
team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had
to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the
problem and recommended corrective action.
The
consultant's finding: The Airbus team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the Boeing team had one person
rowing and eight people steering.
After a year
of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and
not enough were rowing on the Boeing team.
So as race day
neared again the following year, the Boeing team's management
structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new
performance review system for the person rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
The next year,
Airbus won by two miles. Humiliated, Boeing management
laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem....
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Latex
Factory
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that
produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown
the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine
makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being
injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound
is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the
factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a
"Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the
man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is,
but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle
nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth
condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle
nipple business!"
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