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Funny Stuff ( You send it, I'll post it)
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New Stewardess
An airline captain
was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route
they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning,
as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he
noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened
to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't
get out of her room.
"You can't get out
of your room?", the captain asked. "Why not?"
The stewardess
replied, "There are only three doors in here. One is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says,
'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Learning to Fly
Airplane A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted
to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in
use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the
helicopter solo, by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I
love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet
and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about
half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything
was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
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Occasionally, airline flight attendants make
an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure
your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most
uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for
floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this
flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew
and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any
person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave
the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying
Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another
airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were
beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped
with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said,
"We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off
the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can
come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks
will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to
gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome
message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll
are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During
the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on
the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less
than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight PHX, to YYZ. To operate your
seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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The following is an exchange of
correspondence between a customer and Iarnrod Eireann of the
Irish Railway Company:
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and
the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I
am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile
trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that
enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of
our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your
history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by
foot.
Sincerely,
Iarnrod Eireann.
~~~ ~~~~
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who
are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and
the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode
to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not
been able to do on your train in the last two years!!!
Truly,
Patrick Finnegan
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Boss: You got your hair cut on company
time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut
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A guy stopped at a local gas station and,
after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft
drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a
couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a
hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came
along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a
new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The
men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on
down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing
the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward
the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.
"Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and
refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and
we're just dong our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the
other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you
wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the
men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer
and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy,
here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that
don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."
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Child's Perspective
on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with
Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick
house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and
now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
"They live in a tin box and have rocks
painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big
tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are
anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they
must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.
They play games and do exercises there,
but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too,
but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess
they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a
little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can
escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their
golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff,
but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat
out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some
of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out.
So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center
and call it potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his
life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can
be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to
be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they
can visit their grandchildren."
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Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire
from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell
party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their
good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later
he could remember how his staff "miss" him. Most people are
writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will
never be the same,"
"We will always remember you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I
need something from the bottom of your heart, something really
touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me
for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now.
What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best
news in 20 years."
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Golf Beginner
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by
his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the
local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever
of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing,
then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first
green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball
straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped
inches from the hole.
"Now what?", the fellow asked the
speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball
into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak
again.
The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you
tell me!"
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The Boat Race
Boeing and Airbus decided to
engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and
long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt
ready.
Airbus won by a mile.
The Boeing team was
discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found,
so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and
recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The
Airbus team had eight people rowing and one person
steering; the Boeing team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and
millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm
concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were
rowing on the Boeing team.
So as race day neared again
the following year, the Boeing team's management structure was
completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering
managers, three area steering managers and a new performance
review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work
incentive.
The next year, Airbus won by
two miles. Humiliated, Boeing management laid off
the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for
discovering the problem....
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Latex Factory
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various
latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that
manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud
"hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into
the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle
poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms
are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss.
Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour.
"I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop'
every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple
machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth
condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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